Monday, February 27, 2012

Just the tip...

It use to be simple. Someone would hook up with someone else, there was contact, saliva and possibly other fluids were exchanged and it was cheating. Done. Boom. Cue the tears and freak out.  Your friends would all rush to your aid, ben and jerry's would be bought and there would be lots of liquor involved to get you through the heart ache. This is what use to happen the last time I had a boyfriend a little over six years ago, but now a days things aren't so clear.

I'll give you an example of this that has recently happened to a woman incredibly close to me. She is 24 years old. She has two children, she has a live in boyfriend and is someone who has worked herself ragged to be able to take care of her family. One day, she opened up her Facebook page to find messages from a woman she'd never met. They all included screen shots of conversations of my friend's boyfriend and his FB mistress. It was clear that there had been no physical contact, but the conversations were very intimate and sexual. In addition, there were some not so nice things said about my friend and her issues loosing some of the baby weight. I was outraged! I was ready to help her move all of her things out and surely find some distant cousin who may be in a gang. How could he do this to her? She agreed and felt that it was worse than cheating.

However, I was surprised to learn that not everyone agrees. A guy friend of mine explained to me that with technology now a days its a safe way of exploring some of your unexpressed feelings in a perceived safe environment. He claimed that this was actually a way to prevent physical cheating and that this sort of cyber cheating is a term made up by insecure women who don't see that their guys are actually, proactively preventing extra curricular sex.

I'm gonna call bullshit on this one. If there is one thing I've learned in last very painful years its that cheating is not the reason that people break up. Cheating is a symptom of something else wrong in the relationship. No one slips and falls in a sex trap. You make fifty decisions that lead you to that moment and these little extra curricular intimate conversations are one of them. It's almost worse right because you don't have the excuse of being wasted and having it be a one time thing. No, you actively made a decision every time to engage in conversations that you aren't having with your person. You're sharing an intimacy with them that you aren't with your partner. Of course, I guess that depends on the depths that your conversation is plunging into. And who draws that line? Who decides how far a conversation went?

My friend K and I talk about this all the time because we are firm believers that the person you're with doesn't need to be your everything. There are things I discuss with her that I would never discuss with a lover, that I don't NEED to discuss with a lover. There are insecurities that I would only discuss with my friend Nicole that no future boyfriend of mine really needs to hear or will every understand. So if people serve different purposes in your life why do we begrudge someone a conversation? What is the harm in a conversation? Is it intent that marks the betrayal or is it actual words that you wrote to someone else that you love them or that you think about them when you're with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Is it the "gateway" concept that scares us? Is it the possibility that this will lead to something else? Or is it the fact that the "act" in it self is something you're not willing to forgive? In this new cyber world of emoticons that create tonality and punctuation less instant long distance correspondence, what constitutes the cheating line? And more importantly, how the hell do you know when you've crossed it? Who polices the content and would you have preferred someone told you about this or that if it was a short lived "cyber relationship" that you never knew?

This is where technology has tripped me up because the last time I had a boyfriend, these things were still new. People still used the phone. That thought brought me back to the litmus test for me of acceptable. Yes, the phone. The fact that things are in writing now somehow gives us the illusion that they are more separate, that somehow they don't count as much because there is a barrier there, but if someone wrote things down that I would find inappropriate and disrespectful to me if they were saying it over the phone, then for ME it's not acceptable. Other people's threshold for acceptable is probably much different. I'm a sensitive person in relationships (believe it or not...) and my tolerance for pain is probably slightly less than someone else's and can't be measured against my lizard tough skin in business.

I guess this answer here is really that you don't know and why trust and communication are still the barter and trade. So how does someone who has a need to control everything to avoid getting hurt survive in this new tech savvy relationship world? My therapist would probably throw out the words, "mutually agreed upon" and "conversation" while the only word I can think of to describe the situation my friend was recently put in is "screwed".  or "Not Screwed" :-)  I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

For those of you curious as to how the story ends, he's moving out.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Lady of Leisure- Does the Red Carpet

So, I know this is gonna sound weird, but even three years ago, I would have NEVER volunteered to do the red carpet as a blogger in the fan section of the Oscars. People who are in the business will probably understand that the idea of sitting with a bunch of screaming people, while people I do business with are on the carpet actually working, just is not my idea of an ideal Sunday. But when JC PENNY so graciously asked me to Blog at the Academy Awards, the Lady of Leisure inside me smacked me upside the head and said, "Is you crazy?! Say yes!" And I did. 
Unlike in the past when I've been there to cover the event as "media", being there to cover it as a blogger and sitting with people who LOVE movies and are excited to be there was mind boggling fun! I was dreading it like a jaded, obnoxious person. Shame on me. Yes, there were some cray cray people there, just like anywhere else, but mostly there were lovely people, who love movies and are the reason that any of us in this business are employed. 

Some of my favorite people were a group of grannies called the Bleacher Creatures. They have been attending the Academy Awards for the past Forty years. FORTY YEARS! There are forty years of these ladies coming together with the same group of people no matter where they live in the country and celebrating movies. They camped out forty years ago and have now been grandfathered into the bleacher audience. They saw every movie nominated this year with their families and girlfriends and probably single handedly contributed to the gross box office. So we're welcome. 

I will say that one of my favorite parts of the night was seeing all of the beautiful dresses. I know. What a girl...but its true! You can't help but admire how pretty everyone looks and how excited everyone is in the stands. Unlike when you're covering an event with the media, everyone isn't gossiping about what horrible show someone auditioned for or how they didn't get the part in whatever film. I feel like those of us in the business who see how the sausage actually gets made, like to only talk about those things. No one in the bleachers was talking about what agent is an asshole or what publicist they got into a fight with that week. No one is already predicting how awful the awards show is gonna be or how they can't wait for this to be over so they can get to whatever exclusive party only a select group of people know about.  To them, everything was glamorous and fun and I couldn't help but be infected with that excited energy! I forgot about all the fact that the Artist would probably take home every single award of the night and just focused on the excitement, the glamour, the dresses and the movies. 

 Of course, even when you aren't looking to be snarky, some people just make it slightly impossible. I mean, lets admit, this is a lot of purple taffeta. But God bless this lady, you cannot believe how much she worked it on the carpet. I have no idea who she is, but she talked to every celebrity, got her picture taken, and must have met everyone at the show. There was no one who could resist her charm or her dress.

And speaking of dresses, all of these dresses, brought out the SEXY. The boys were looking crazy FINE tonight and I mean 'crazy twilight mom' crazy. Jonah Hill has lost like a gazillion pounds and  was looking dapper in his black on black suit. My favorite hottie boys on the carpet included Mario Lopez who was wearing much less make up than Extra usually puts on him,  Demian Bichir, who forgot to tell us he was sexy in person, my good friend Mr. Matthew Lillard who indulged the crowd in half a strip tease by taking off his suit jacket in a teasy dance, Jason Segel, who paid special attention to his fans, Tom Cruise who had been looking a little botoxy..and now seems to have let his face settle, and George Clooney who should give lessons on how to be charming to every guy in - the world. Seriously, he should just tape some lessons and it should be required watching for every human with a penis.

My favorite ladies that seriously made me question my preferences included the adorable Emma Stone, the who knew she was so gorgeous, Kristin Wiig, Maria Menonous, Michelle Williams (whose style I usually don't get), Octavia Spencer and Angelina Jolie. Honorable mentions also go to Viola Davis whose boobs may have poked me as she walked by and Sandra Bullock who honestly has no right to look to beautiful anymore. You've won an Oscar, everyone loves you, let someone else have a moment lady. You're perfect.

Everyone has probably already reported on everything that was to say about the red carpet. You can catch a recap of my Live Blog of the Academy Awards for MTV tr3s on Blogamole. You'll read all about Sasha Baron Cohen, Melissa McCarthy, Antonio Banderas, Clooney, Demian Bichir, etc. I also put up several pics on my FB page. Enjoy! Hasta tomorrow!

Awards update

The carpet is so crowded and there aren't even any actors here yet ! The dresses that are here are already either stunning or train wrecks - but either way, people are going for it.

I'm starving and JC penny and the academy were nice enough to provide us with food and water. No one is eating, but I'm going for it! The sun is starting to come on strong and the ladies are reaching for touchups . The madness will prob start in an hour.

Good morning Academy

Good morning Academy Awards! It's a lovely day in Hollywood and its already madness on Hollywood Blvd. I'm sitting at the JC Penny area blogging from the red carpet. I had to get through a bunch of security and haven't had such a thorough cavity search since college.

All of the news crews are set up and one can't help but be genuinely excited about the night. This is what thousands of people move here for every year- for the promise of maybe. Maybe one day I'll work on something amazing.

I'm sitting with a bunch of fans who have traveled here from all over the country for a little piece of contagious energy from the awards. They are a little upset that my laptop is out and that I'm blogging and not "experiencing ". I'll try my best to find a balance. After all it's hard to not e excited surrounded by all of these happy, normal people who are out here to have a once in a lifetime experience.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Getting Schooled by a Dominatrix

When people ask me what I do for a living, I'm never quite sure how to answer that question. Unemployed writer? Sure, I've sold a short film and written a web series, written a few novels that have never seen the light of day or several screenplays that are perpetually in development. Producer? I've produced television, film, web...that counts right? Director? I've only ever done that once and it was terriblish. Talent Booker? yes that's what the majority of my IMDB says. Casting Director? Well, yes that's the second longest list of credits that I have. So I don't know. In this town your waiter will land a pilot next week that will make him famous and your accountant will win an Academy Award for best screenplay.

So when a sweet, innocent looking girl at the dog park wearing jeans and a little hoodie asked me what I did for a living, I hesitated and said, "I guess I'm a writer. Yes...or maybe I'm, I mean, I'm currently Casting a show..." I trailed off. I tried to change the subject. I asked her what she did for a living and she very confidently said she was a Dominatrix. A professional Dominatrix. She didn't flinch. She didn't wait for my reaction. She said it like she had just said she was a doctor and I was about to find out that in many ways, she kind of is.

So I asked my new dominatrix friend Rose, if we could have coffee. There was way too much I wanted to know; that I needed to know. My curiosity levels were higher than normal. Her name was Rose, for Christ's sake. Rose, like a flower. She was quiet and sweet and not at all someone I would imagine with leather gags and chains. I watched her perfectly manicured nails taking sips of her coffee wondering how on earth she could be so put together and then whip men into submission and ask them to wear her high heels and lingerie. I then realized I had a complete misconception about the sex worker industry and had to be educated at once.

Don't get any ideas. The evening certainly did not involve me learning any lessons or begging for forgiveness you dirty birds, (besides I would never be able to afford her at a whopping $500 per HALF HOUR), but I did get schooled.

For starters, her job is very much like a therapist job. She has an initial consultation. She finds out a lot about her clients. What their fetishes are, their fantasies, their hopes and dreams and even any marital problems they might be having that have led them to her dungeon. She says that while everyone thinks that being a dominatrix is about being in control, its really not because you are ultimately not doing anything that YOU want to do, you are doing what the client wants to do in a controlled fantasy environment where they pretend like they have no control over what is going on. Her goal is ultimately to help her clients work through whatever aggressions or issues they have and ultimately grow out of their need for her and help spread the word about her talents. Her job also pays like a therapist. She gets about $5K-$10K a month without the horrible hours.

I found this all fascinating. Rose was also incredibly adept at separating her lives, but never hiding them from each other. She was not ashamed of what she did. She enjoyed it. Her family knew what she was doing and after a few years had even grown to accept it. She had an incredible amount of confidence that was infectious.  My favorite part was just the honesty and vulnerability with which she described her life. Things were not always easy. She said ultimately she met great men who always assumed she would change, but she never has and never will. She doesn't want to have a traditional life. No one seems to understand this because she seems so grounded. They think that she was abused or has to eventually find a way out, but she doesn't want a way out. She really likes her job.

I'm dumbfounded that are so many people out there so different from myself that I can connect with like this. After a couple hours of chatting with her  about her equipment maintenance, and finding all about her past loves and how dating works for a dominatrix, or how she does her taxes, I found Rose to be a lovely person. She wasn't overly sexual or suggestive. She wasn't preachy or defensive. She was just kind and incredibly open minded. She even scolded me for being so critical of republicans. She reminded me that its that same mentality that makes people so close minded to her and her job. She had a point. I guess. Begrudgingly.

I will never understand what Rose does for a living just like I will never understand why anyone would vote Republican, but meeting people like this certainly makes me want to. Let's face it, we are all crazy. When no one is looking and no one is invading our thoughts we are all - different and kooky and grateful that no one can take a peak into our jumbled delusions. I do think i may have found someone to loan me a halloween costume for next year.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It's a sex-sprain

Over the past few weeks I've been writing down various ideas for my blog, trying to find things that might be appealing to everyone and have curiously, accidentally, stumbled upon a dirty little secret that many of you have questions about. Sex injuries can be no laughing matter and yet some of them are hilarious. Thank you all for sending me your stories and please keep the emails coming. I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading both your support and hate mail. Either way, its very enlightening. Below is hands down my favorite. Don't worry lady, I've changed everyone's name for their protection.

The Allergen
Katie's boyfriend Robert broke up with her quite traumatically by looking over at her in the morning after a few years of dating and saying, "I don't love you." Immediately, he freaked out; he tried to correct his mistake. Alas, it was too late, they broke up and Katie went on a sex bender to get over the would be love of her life.

During one of Katie's benders she met Zach. A gorgeous Adonis looking guy who was nice, and funny and adventurous. He was instantly better than the other bar losers she was taking home for a warm body at night. Katie took Zach home and over many, many drinks, he convinced her that the only way to get over her boyfriend was to do things that she'd never done before; to liberate herself once and for all.

Side bar...Katie... I don't know how you made the jump from nothing before to anal, but I guess when you're drinking, things make sense that otherwise wouldn't? Maybe? I digress.

So, Zach convinced Katie to do anal and she couldn't wait! That would show her lousy boyfriend! Since it was late, the only place her suitor thought of to go get some essentials for the evening was a gas station. There must not have been any 24 hour Walmart near by that would carry lube or beers or the flowers he brought with him. The gas station had all of that plus a little snack of beef jerky and almonds for later.

Zach quickly returned and showed all of his gifts to Katie. She was excited! This was happening. She took the gas station, quarter sized, red colored, I'm sure you probably don't want to use this, Lube and applied. All over. The front and the, umm, back. Within ten seconds, something was wrong. Swelling was happening, a rash was forming. She stopped kissing her suitor, jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom to see that her vag lady was possibly broken. It was red and irritated, bumpy and the size of an extra large cantaloupe. This was bad.  Zach was banging on the door, begging to see what the problem was. When she finally let him in he let out a girlish scream and insisted they go to the hospital.

At the hospital the triage nurse asked for her symptoms. She explained she thought she was having an allergic reaction. The nurse asked to see the affected area and Katie pointed down at her crotch. The nurse was unaffected. She escorted Katie to a room where she asked her to drop her shorts, remarking that Katie must know how to do that since that is the action that got her here in the first place. Having no time to feel insulted and just wanting to get cured, she dropped her little shorts.  A painful shot of cortisone on the affected area and she was cured. The swelling went down and all that was left was an itchy reminder of why she'd never been as adventurous/irresponsible before. She asked Zach never to call her again and he was happy to oblige.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Ghost of Lovers Past

We all do it. We imagine what it would be like to run into that old boyfriend or girlfriend who broke our heart and show them how great we are. And why not? They got to see us at our worst, groveling for love and eating, drinking and sleeping our way out of love with them. We want them to know that we made it through just fine without them. What's the worst that could happen.

Oddly enough I recently had one of these encounters which prompted me to ask several of my girlfriends about their ghosts of lovers past and if the reunion was everything they'd thought it would be.

My friend Anna recently had one such meeting when she ran into her college boyfriend Dave at the supermarket. He still looked like an Adonis, just a little older with the right amount of George Clooney inspired salt and pepper hair. Their break up had been pretty traumatic involving a sorority sister of hers, well, two of them, and her bed. It was a crazy senior year. She took the break up with Dave really badly, gained a ton of weight and really became a shell of herself for a couple of years. Her run in with Dave wasn't planned, but he happened to catch her looking radiant. He took her number and asked if he could call her. She of course said yes, if only to show him what he'd been missing. She had zero intention of hooking up with him again. She just wanted to make him realize how sexy she was and how badly he'd messed up.

A few bottles of wine into their evening "reconnect" ended with them ...reconnecting. She said it was great. He promised to call. I think you probably know that this story ends without a phone call. He did however, leave her a little something to remember him by this time and it rimes with "Shamidia".

Anna's story isn't uncommon though. This desire to prove that we are better fuels a spiral into that fragile time when we weren't better. What is it about this person that brings out such a vulnerable side of you?

I recently had the opposite happen when I reconnected with someone I was crazy about. I mean, crazy, like sure I'll rearrange my life for you crazy. So when we recently reconnected over a random business phone call, I felt my heart palpitating and my hands sweating again. I remembered the boy I danced with, the boy who bought me drinks and who I ran away from the cops with. The boy who begged me to be together and then inexplicably left me. I was shattered, but enough time had passed and the real heart break of a divorce had wiped that slate clean. I had no remorse left, just eagerness to reconnect with an old friend.

Of course I found myself getting a little too dressed up for this casual dinner get together, a little too invested. What was I trying to prove?

When he walked into the restaurant, the dim lights shining on his took me about a full minute to recognize him. He was bald. He was fat. He was not the boy I remember. I was instantly ashamed of myself on multiple levels. I did just want to catch up right? I was repulsed and felt like such asshole for feeling that way. This was not the boy I remembered. I tried my best to sit through the rest of dinner and forget my..history..with this now man and try to find a glimmer of the boy I knew. I caught occasional glimpses of it in the smile or in the eyes, but this person had changed and not just physically. He was different and I was different and no amount of diet, exercise and hair plugs would ever change that. Ever. I felt really bad when he tried to kiss me at my door step and i went in for the side hug. I had led him on and didn't feel good about myself at all. I didn't feel better for hurting his feelings. I didn't feel any sort of vindication.

Then there is my friend Emily whose story I won't recount in full detail for fear of throwing up all over myself, but she recently reconnected with her high school hook up and is now planning a wedding. She insisted that this blog post be about encouraging reconnection with past lovers so everyone can experience wedding bliss/blindness that she's currently in. She is obviously the exception, but I can't help but smile and wish I could be half as hopeful as she is about romance.

I think Emily's case turned out differently because she really HAD moved on with her life. Sure, she always had a soft spot for the boy she hooked up with behind the bleachers, but she also knew herself now and knew what was acceptable and what was NOT acceptable in this new relationship. She didn't wonder what if all these years, she let it go. That he happened to resurface didn't stop her from treating it like a new date, because he was. So be careful what you wish for. The Ghost of Lovers Past may not always be a part of memory lane you want to visit. There is probably a reason its over. The sooner you REALLY move on and not just pretend to move on, the better off you'll be.


British. Beautiful. Hilarious. Those are just a few words to describe the incredibly intelligent, sexy and alluring Medeni Griffiths; a young screenwriter whose name you should probably learn before the next few Academy Awards. 

Medeni is the epitome of cool. She not only looks the part, but does the work. What does she do? Well, that's an interesting question. While she is currently on pre-production for a feature film, she's also a writer, director, cinematographer, producer, jack-of-all trades, bad ass lady of leisure. She's worked for companies like Fox Searchlight, Warner Bros., The BBC,  and The Times Newspaper in London. Let's not even talk about the Film Festivals she's been recognized at.  Only sort of cool? Oh, did I mention a Grammy award winning band asked her to go on tour with them for a year?  Yeah, even rock stars think she's rockin' and she is.

On a personal level, Medeni is probably one of the easiest people to talk to and the partner you'd want in any crime. She's funny, hardworking and always bringing out the best in everyone around her. 

Q&A with Medeni:

WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOUR JOB: Working with other creative people.

WHAT IS MOST CHALLENGING ABOUT YOUR JOB:  Being content with my achievements, no matter how big or small they may be.

WHAT KEEPS YOU EXCITED ABOUT THE BUSINESS:  Nothing is ever the same.  Each project is different and presents a different set of challenges.



WHY?: For me his films make us reassess our core moralities.  They highlight the fine line between civilization and savagery.

WHAT DO YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHEN STARTED OUT?: Say yes to anything you find interesting - that will lead you to lasting working relationships and the next project.

WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE DO YOU GIVE YOUNG WOMEN WHO ARE STARTING THEIR CAREERS IN ENTERTAINMENT: As with anything, know what is unique to you, understand your interests and strengths and your purpose for wanting to work in film.

CURRENTLY READING: Frank O'Hara and The Cardiff Trilogy




SOMETHING WEIRD ABOUT YOU: How much time have you got?

THE LAST GUY THAT BROKE MY HEART WAS….. on a boat in Croatia.

WHATS NEXT FOR YOU?: Who knows?!

WHY SHE'S A BADASS LADY OF LEISURE: Because she knows what she wants and is going to get it. Plus, she's one of the most effortlessly charming people I know. 

Who has time for Charity?!

I know. We are all incredibly busy. If you're a Lady of Leisure like myself your day is not only filled with the adventurous swim with the sharks or random cooking class you decided to take or the ever akward disastrous dates I partake in. No, your day is probably also spent finding ways to make money. I write, cast, talent book & produce so I have a few options in jobs, but that also means that the net to find said jobs is exponentially larger, thus making the act of finding a job, a job in itself. My friend Brian says I should go into prostitution because I could make money in my sleep and have plenty of fodder for writing. I don't know though, have you seen some of the dudes that live in Culver City? Plus, way too much to explain to the catholic family and so on and so fourth. Thus, I am stuck freelancing.

But even when I wasn't a freelancer, I worked horrid hours whether it was pulling in 18 hour days at MTV and coming home to take care of my husband and dog or pulling in 18 hour days at Wendy Williams, going out at night and making it to work by 7:00AM production meetings, the thought of somehow being able to lend ANY time to something else seemed not only daunting but impossible. Who has time for charity? You barely have time to shave and you did the world a solid by hooking up with the poor pathetic guy at the bar the other night. You want to do your part, but you don't have time. Who can blame you right?

This weekend, I was reminded of why should not only make the time to help, but why it is really an essential component of well being. The Hollywood Rush took place at the Wilshire Ebell Theatre on Sunday and it truly was incredible. There are no words to describe the madness that was producing an event in 24 hours. Sure, there were months of planning and recruiting sponsors and working on logistics but only 24 hours in which to execute all of those plans. Its insane amounts of work with limited budgets and people wondering why on earth anyone would take on such a monumental responsibility.

This is why -HUNTERS VIDEO

Hunter was some one's brother, someones friend, someones lover, someones son, someones confidant and now he's gone. Just like that, his life was over and everyone he loved was left to pick up the pieces and figure out how to deal with his loss.

It really puts everything in perspective right? Doing work like this is essential to our development because it affords us several  life lessons:

1- There are good people out there.
I forget this one sometimes and I know its easy when you don't have a job or your work sucks and all you want to do when you go home is plot ways to rob a bank and get out of your own hell hole. But there are, really great people in this world who are not only super fun drinking buddies, but who are also taking the time out of their incredibly busy schedules too, to hang out with you and do something good for someone else.

2-Things could always be worse. 
This isn't exactly a "thank god you're not that person" lesson, but in that vein, yes its a good reminder that at some point, you might need the kindness of strangers too. Not that doing good gets you some sort of debit card points for when you're in trouble, but it helps remind me that if things got really bad, there are places I can go, programs I can participate in, things I can do to help myself if I needed to.

3-Mean People Suck.
Usually, the people you meet while doing some sort of charity work - are kind of awesome and in general, tend to not be assholes. It's nice to be around people who have a common goal and want to be nice and fun in the process of getting there.

4-Budgets are key.
As soon as I was done with this last project. I went home and revisited my budget. There are so many creative ways to trim money and make the most out of what you do have. Working on a charitable project is an excellent reminder of that.

5-If You're doing the right things, Good things will happen.
I actually learned that lesson from the film Undefeated, but it applies here too. You meet so many interesting people who not only need help but those doing the helping who are all struggling. But, if you keep moving forward and keep trying to do the right thing, something is gonna work out. It has to.

6-Humility is necessary.
I once spent an alternative spring break in New Orleans helping out at a soup kitchen. I met some amazing people, but the most powerful experience of the entire thing was when Sister Vera made all of the volunteers who were serving food go through the line to eat lunch after all of the homeless people had been served. I don know if you've ever stood in line for food after homeless people, but it is hands down one of the most humbling experiences of my life. To then sit down and eat with them in an abandoned church parking lot and find out what was going on in their lives was incredible. It reminded me that its not hard to end up homeless. It's not difficult to loose everything in your life. It made me so grateful and as a result, I think, I hope, a happier person.

So I guess what I'm saying is, you don't have time, not to do SOMETHING. Whether its donating money and feeling better about yourself (selfishly positive, but good nonetheless!!), or its helping out somewhere with your time, it really ends up helping you out more than the people you're trying to.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Hollywood Rush- AM updated

Hello blogosphere!  I'm quasi reporting - live from the Wilshire Ebell Theater in LA- for the 2nd Annual Hollywood Rush!

Fly by the Seat of Your Pants - is the phrase that describes what is going on right now. The writers were locked away in the dungeon...okay, in a hotel, but still, last night from 8pm until 8am this morning. Truth be told, I'm really jealous of them. To me, this is like, ultimate dorky - I wish I was one of them - writer camp. Our five writers included Chad Hodge, creator and writer of the Playboy Club, Gloria Calderone, writer for Rules of Engagement and How I Met Your Mother (aka my hero) and Dave Holstein the writer for Weeds. Sequestered, jury style, they created all of the plays that are being performed tonight. There was also a twist... since it is the Year of the Dragon and we are supporting the Baby Dragon Fund - we added some dragon lyrics to use, just for good measure. As if creating a play that's good in twelve hours after you've had a full day of work wasn't stressful enough.

Directors got their scripts at 8am and met with their casts. These table reads were nut balls. Seriously. There was no time for anyone to be shy. There was no back story to the characters so consider, it was all creating on the fly. There has been singing, booty dancing, girl on girl make outs and maybe some alien sex. This is not your mothers theater kids.

We've all been going non stop - feeling exhausted but luckily there is a Redbull sponsor inovled. I may be red bull high by the end of this.

I'll update you later!! With pictures and fun tales of crazy Baby Dragons that are running wild tonight!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Dont' ever ask Melissa Chusid for a resume. It will make you instantly re-consider what you are doing with your life.

What does she do? That's a very interesting question. Melissa is one of my favorite Lady of Leisure women because she really does it all. She's a Talent Booker so she's booked CBS Sports, Concerts at MSG, MSG at the Movies, Kids Choice Awards just to name a few but then she's also a Casting Director with films like Tower Heist, August Rush and A Guide to Recognizing your Saints among others. Just when you think you're done reading her credits they are then broken down further into Television and Film casting and booking as well. I won't bore you with them all but this girl has serious cred with Nickelodeon, MTV, Universal, Sesame Street and CBS  and that's just in the linear space. Of course if you ask her what she does, she'll coyly respond that she's "a Talent person".  Not a Talent Exec or a Casting Director or someone who famous people have on speed dial. No, she's just a "talent chick".

In addition to hustling and creating opportunities for both new and established talent, Melissa is also a pioneer. She sees opportunity in new ventures like Spreecast, Microsoft 360 and MSG Media. She takes a chance on the series and opportunities that others may not always see the immediate payoff in and works it, until it does. She's parlayed this visionary consulting in new media into talent opportunities for people whom she's worked with in the past. I won't named them, but some of them include some of your favorite NFL stars.

Her newest venture with Spreecast, still in its infancy, already scored Mrs. Reese Witherspoon for an exclusive interview in addition to all of the incredibly rad and original user generated content. Spreecast can be used publicly or privately to create interactive, social online video broadcasts. Up to 4 people at a time can be face-to-face, streaming their conversation live while hundreds of others can watch, chat, and participate by submitting comments and questions to those on-screen. Viewers can also request to join on camera, while producers of the Spreecast can manage the action. Spreecast is also integrated with Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ so that producers and creators can broadcast their conversations to their friends, followers, circles, contacts and connections. Sounds kinda of futuristic? It is. It's exciting that we are all interacting in new ways and able to create quality content with nifty little lower thirds and call to actions that producers love to see and users love to have power over. 

I am perpetually inspired by MC and on the days that I feel like creating my own work space can't get any harder, I remind myself that there are other women out there who are doing it, who have a life, who are creating change and affecting the way we do business.

Why She's a Bad Ass Lady of Leisure: Because she doesn't let titles define her. She is an entrepreneur, a multi-platform new media/talent mogul whose positive attitude, character, and strength we can all draw from. She's friendly, she's humble, she's creative and dynamic. Oh yeah, probably also the nicest and most helpful human being on the planet. Go Mel. Keep kicking ass.

Q&A w/Melissa

WHAT KEEPS YOU EXCITED ABOUT THE BUSINESS: That the business is changing so quickly (in a good way). 

IF YOU DIDN’T DO CASTING / TALENT YOU WOULD….:  I would want to be a Music Supervisor for a TV Series.  I literally have a soundtrack to my life. 
WHO INSPIRES YOU MOST?:  It is so hard to pick just one person. My mom has been the most influential figure in my life and always will be, but Lydia Stephans Murphy, Laurie Orlando and Abby Gans Solomon (three of my previous bosses) have been amazing mentors and have taught me so much. 
WHAT DO YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHEN STARTED OUT?:  Find a healthy balance between your work life and personal life (I still struggle to find a good balance).  

My advice is to find a great mentor or confidant.

Also, some great advice I received when I started, "be nice to everyone, because you never know when that person is going to be your boss." 
The final book of THE HUNGER GAMES, "MOCKINGJAY."  I can't wait for the movie!  
ON YOUR IPOD:  Not sure what I would do without my music.  I am addicted to Spotify and find myself making Spotify Playlists and downloading them on my iphone.  My current playlist includes:  "Skinny Love" by Birdy, "Someone That I Used To Know" by Gotye, "Hold On" by Angus and Julia Stone, "Let the Drummer Kick" by Citizen Cope, "Keep You" by Class Actress, "23" by Jimmy Eat World, "Whirring" by The Joy Formidable,  "L.E.S" by Santogold, "Isabella Of Castile" by Starf*cker, and anything by The Naked and Famous, M83, Metric and Ellie Goulding, Dave Matthews, Foo Fighters, Kings of Leon, Beastie Boys, Bon Iver, and Coldplay.   I can go on forever with this is my playlist if you want to listen

FINISH THIS SENTENCE : THE LAST BOY THAT BROKE MY HEART…He knows who he is.  Let's just leave it at that....

BUSINESS ACCESSORY I CANT DO W/O:  my TWO cel phones (I can't live without a back up plan) 

FASHION ACCESSORY:  My favorite accessory of the moment is the headband.  It is my answer to a "bad hair day" and is so very "Gossip Girl" 

I am working on a Spreecast project for SXSW that will feature some amazing bands that will be performing in Austin this year. 

When in Doubt - Go Work Out

I literally almost ran over the little old homeless lady with her shopping car yesterday because she was crossing the street slowly and I was having a horrible day. I know, I'm a bad bad person. There was a woman with real problems and I was upset because my job prospects were low, my sex life is non existent and I've just been feeling incredibly off. No wonder no one wants to be around me right now, I'm unbearable. I'm annoying myself. 

So when my friend Kate offered up a class at Cycle House I kindly took her up on the offer. Mostly, because my pants don't fit anymore, but also because I could tell that  one more hour and I might end up on the five o'clock news. So I went. And thank God I did.

First of all, if you live in LA and you haven't taken at least one class at Cycle House, get up right now and go take one. No seriously. I'll wait. ...

AMAZING right? This is exercising done right> You come in you check in with the front desk who assigns you a bike. Already signed up for a class online? No problem, you can check in with their self check kiosks. They don't sell bottles of water because they are environmentally conscious but they do have nifty cold water "fountains" that quickly fill up your reusable one. 
When you get to your bike, they have spin shoes waiting for you. Your size spin shoes. They have a towel and weights. Don't want to leave all of your stuff by your bike? No problem, you can put them in a cubby that sits in sight. The lights dim, the candles are on and you are ready to cycle.

Talk about a zen, exciting, incredibly difficult but mind cleansing experience. The songs are great, the instructors are rad and motivational and not above dropping an F bomb to get you moving. They are friendly, they are fun and all fit and good-looking. And lets be honest, if your teacher is hot and has a great body, you're 10 x more motivated to kick your own ass. 

At the end of an engaging class, they open the doors that lead out to a patio where fresh fruit and cold towels are waiting for you. It's a spin/spa hybrid. I highly recommend it. Consider the $26 for the class therapy, because that's what it is. Plus, its dark, so no one will see you cry if you have to and believe me, yesterday during our climb, I did. 

But for those of you that can't make it to Cycle House or your local spin class, go for a 30 minute run. It'll make all the difference. Below is my favorite 30 running Minute play list. Enjoy:

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Dangers of Comfort

Mom, maybe you shouldn't read this post.

I discovered I couldn't watch very scary movies when I was in college. I partially attribute this deficiency in my cinematic history knowledge to being Catholic. Those nuns sure knew how to put the fear of God and satan in you all at the same time, so much so that it was sometimes scary even to sleep with the lights on with all of the bleeding crucifixes lurking around. When you're a kid, those relics are terrifying. The right one can scare me now I can't even think back to poor little year old me. I think I've blocked it out.

The reason I discovered this inability to actually watch one though was in college . I'm pretty sure it was the Mothman Prophecies. Even saying the name gives me shivers, but I discovered I couldn't watch it because I went to see it with a date. If I remember correctly, my boyfriend and I were on a break and some looser asked me out that I didn't even like, but I figured, what the hey. I went.

To make the long story short the guy I didn't even like very much lived in my apartment for a week straight, just so I didn't have to sleep alone. He would have stayed longer, but my roommate ended up getting back from her study abroad session earlier and I could finally "break up" and move on with my life. She slept in my bed for a solid week until I could sleep alone again. Imagine if I would have seen The Exorcist?!

I say this to say, comfort can be a very dangerous thing. I mean, if looser moth man guy would have been halfway decent I probably would have ended up dating him and all because I just needed a little comfort for a moment. Had he been able to carry on a conversation, he may have ended up being my first husband. (well, lets not go that far, but you catch my drift).

The 'Comfort Drug' gets worse as you get older because now you have real problems, unlike you're pseudo problems in college. So you're having a bad day. Your boss sucks, you're not making enough money and the guy you like is shacking up with someone else and telling you all of the heart-breaking details. You're tough though, so you don't let anyone see you squirm.You're older now, those days of calling up your booty call ex are behind you...but are they?

I get it, its nice to feel held and wanted and appreciated by someone that knows you. Not a stranger at a bar, (though sometimes, that's just what the doctor ordered too), but someone who knows how to comfort you. That person that knows just what to say and how to stroke your hair and touch your face so you know it'll be okay.

I fall into this trap sometimes with my non sexual crush and my friend Victoria is always quick to point out that the WORST thing I can do is let him comfort me, because that's how we get into trouble. That's how things get grey, that's how I get confused and how I end up in situations that I don't need to end up in. That's how the weird non visible strings start to show up until I don't know how I feel or he feels or more importantly how I WANT to feel about the whole thing.

So if you're like me and you have a couple of people who you enjoy comfort from and your intentions (or their intentions) are muddled - cuddle up with your girlfriend instead. Let them comfort you or self soothe with some wine,  bad music that only you enjoy and that incredibly trashy magazine because comfort is a gateway drug. It leads to weird crappy pseudo relationships that no one escapes unscathed. Proceed with Caution.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


So there are several women that I've met this year that are just beyond the example of what a tough Lady of Leisure should be. Two of these ladies are Actors you should know if you don't already - the Beautiful and talented Zibby Allen and Kate Payne. 


This American Actor/Writer/Producer is a jack of all trades improv master. She has not only scored roles in films like Despicable Me, but she's managed to find great roles in Film, Television, Music and Theatre. In addition to her outstanding work, she somehow finds the time to Executive Produce one of the most anticipated Theatre fundraisers of the year, The Hollywood Rush which supports 
The Baby Dragon Fund for the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. Her company, NightKAP entertainment organizes the event which helps fuel essential crystal meth addiction recovery and suicide prevention programs  in Los Angeles. 

Her quirky improv can turn subtle and sweet in an instant, a trade mark that will surely make her stand out this pilot season. If she weren't acting, writing, producing, running her business and saving the world, she'd still be a Lady of Leisure, traveling around the world writing for travel magazines or maybe she'd be an orthopedic surgeon. She can't decide. She stays excited about this crazy business by always creating. She can't help it, its in her. It is her. 

Q &A w Kate:
WHAT DO YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHEN STARTED OUT?: Try not to be what you think they want but be yourself. Oh and own your height - I am taller than everyone


CURRENTLY READING: The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls

ON YOUR IPOD: Adele, Jay-Z, Danger Mouse and Sparkle Horse, John Frusciante, The Beach Boys


FASHION ACCESSORY YOU'D RATHER NOT DO W/O: skinny jeans and a killer pair of shoes

WHATS NEXT FOR YOU?: not sure - the best and the worst thing about working in entertainment.

Why she's a bad ass Lady of Leisure: She is working hard doing what she loves and taking the time to really help other people. 
You may recognize this pint size beauty from her commercials like the Emmy Award winning Bud light Commercial 'Swear Jar' or her unforgettable Lowe's Lunch Break Commercial.  In addition to taking the commercial world by storm lately, she's also an accomplished singer/songwriter and ukulele player. As if that weren't enough the woman writes/produces and directs too. Did I mention both Dr. Sloane, and most recently another Dr. who she cannot disclose, have asked her out on Grey's Anatomy? Oh yeah, and just a few features this year. No big deal.  (stop it, you're making us look bad!)

But life hasn't always been so colorful. When Zibby's brother died a couple years ago, taking his own life because of his addiction, she lost her best friend. Instead of letting it consume her,  she honored her brother's memory by making a difference. She partnered up with Kate D Payne on their company, NightKAP Entertainment, producing a series of events that shake up the typical fundraising formula. Their company will never bring you a boring charity dinner. No. They are turning the model on its head to bring you non stop, outside the box unique entertainment. Talk about girl power.

Q & A w Zibs

WHAT DO YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHEN STARTED OUT?: Anything other than "Oh, that's a hard path... you sure?" Ha ha! It would have been nice to hear "You know, the odds are actually in your favor if you think about it..." 

WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE DO YOU GIVE YOUNG WOMEN WHO ARE STARTING THEIR CAREERS IN ENTERTAINMENT:  Confidence is the key... and it's not something you can fake. Not sure how you get there... but that's your job. 

CURRENTLY READING: The Hunger Games! ( I know I know. So obvious... but they're sooooo enjoyable, it's $#@!!)

ON YOUR IPOD: Bill Withers. Forever Bill Withers.


FASHION ACCESSORY YOU'D RATHER NOT DO W/O: My Marchez Vous ankle boots... wear them almost every day... they're like walking on clouds. 

WHATS NEXT FOR YOU?: Pilot season is in full swing. I've got 3 pilot auditions this week...

Why She's a bad ass Lady of Leisure: Because she's not the kind of person that will ever take no for an answer. She is fierce and kind all in one pint size packet of sunshine. 

Check out both ladies latest endeavor, The Hollywood Rush or bid on their charity items on Charity Buzz. All funds benefit the BABY DRAGON FUND which fuels the essential crystal meth addiction and recovery programs at the LA GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER. 

Get ready to see so much more of both of these power, hilarious, strong women this year. They are already rockin' it. 


I kinda feel like a betrayer to my single gals out there, but I gotta tell you, I LOVE valentines day! The sheer outpouring of anger and support from all of its lovers and haters out there is, priceless if not downright hilarious.

Who cares?! Either way! My ex husband was awesome with the holidays. Quite possibly the single most romantic individual in the world so I had about six years of Valentines day bliss and after never having grown up with anything remotely close to that, it was amazing. It made me feel great so I can't completely hate on the holiday.

It's slightly bittersweet of course because 1) I was stupid enough to get married twice this week. Once on Vday and then once on the 17th of February (to the same guy, relax).  and 2) Because obviously it didn't work out and haven't had a Valentines since.

But I gotta tell you, I really do like it. I know! I'm kinda shocked too!  What's not to love about chocolates and candy, and drink specials at restaurants! Champagne! What sucks about signature cocktails? What's not to love about ridiculous status updates and the radio playing all of your old favorites. Yeah, Janet Jackson's 'Again' lover...I'm looking at you. It has to make you nostalgic right?

When I was in 1st grade, Jim Rike, my first childhood love gave me my first Valentine. We were just friends since he didn't like me, but I loved that Valentine. He was my best friend and that moment that he took to make me a little ninja turtle card was pretty special. Plus, my girlfriends all gave me great Valentines! There was candy and a little party and everyone was just...nice to each other that day. What sucks about that?

So I can't be anti Valentines day. It's sweet and its ridiculous and completely over the top and for people who are newlyweds and crazy, but that's kinda what its all about right? Those few special crazy moments that no one else knows. I've certainly, as Billy Joel would say, have "been a fool for lesser things."

But, I figure for those of you who I love and are very anti- The Holiday's Name that cannot be spoken -  below my favorite Heartbreak playlist:

What says F you more than the line, "Makes me Wonder if I ever gave  F*ck about you".

Ah yes, "You were never a good lay, you were never a good friend, let me list the ways that I abhor you".

This sped up version of the Go West classic takes the whiny self pity song to an anthem of survival.

I mean, what can get you more in the mood to sleep with a  stranger with no strings attached and make the most out of your valentines day than this song?

Tina, you sing it girl. What DOES love have to do with it? You're not bitter, you're just over it.

Admit it, you've always wanted to say this to your ex, even if you ended on good terms. Scratch that...especially if you ended on good terms, because you probably didn't say everything you wanted to.

Lets face probably is about them, but you don't care. You're over it, you're moving on - I mean look at your sexy shoes. That dude/chick is missing out.

So put on your sexiest dress, go out and party and get over whatever asshole is upsetting you. Be honest, you're just not the into him either. I for one, am pretty happy to be VDAY neutral and hope that you do have a sweet one, but if you don't, have a fun one.


Harvey Weinstein has done it again. He's proven that he can bet on the right, low budget horse that will tell an incredible story and reach people in ways they didn't even know was possible. I couldn't care less about high school football, but somehow, this movie has affected me to the core, and I know it will affect you as well.

I know what you're thinking. You think you've seen this film before and you're tired of the same shtick. You're actually annoyed that another film about white savers who come in and rescue under privileged kids actually has a place in the release line up.

I'm happy to inform you that you will be pleasantly surprised. This is not a film about about a group of kids who rise from nothing to have an undefeated season thanks to their white coaches after being left out of a system that doesn't care about them and then suddenly turn the system around on its head. This is not a film about how football builds character and makes men stronger than those who don't play sports.

No. This is a film about ordinary people who are living ordinary lives with extraordinary courage. Everything about this film is honest. Not only does Coach Bill Courtney teach his kids about discipline, he teaches them about rising above their circumstances and not letting them define their lives. In one season the pay off of building the program for the past six years starts to finally show results and not just in wins. There are real changes in kids who want to do better, who want to not just escape their circumstances but rise above them and change. Coach Bill Courtney is the mentor that every kid could be so lucky to have. He is the uncommon man that we could all learn from.

This is not a film about victims who are being saved. This is film about a group of incredible kids who have been handed a piece of American life that isn't as colorful or as fortunate. Not all of them will make it out, but all of them have been affected and learned from a man whose circumstances led him to Manassas High School in Tennessee to play surrogate father to so many kids who don't even know what their biological fathers look like. But the film is not about Coach Courtney's valor, its about those kids, "Money", "Chavis", and "O.C. Brown"who have so much heart, so much courage and finally something to be proud of.

If you watch one film this weekend, make it Undefeated. You will laugh, you'll cry and re-evaluate your own blessings.  DO your self a favor and get inspired. Watch the trailer below:

Undefeated Trailer

Monday, February 13, 2012

Atleast She Didn't Fart

So I have this um...friend, we'll call her, "Abby" and "Abby" is a terrible first dater. I mean, everything that she can possibly do wrong, she does. I'm not sure if its because she's just nervous or if its some sort of self-sabotage thing or what the deal is, but I'm sure my therapist ...her therapist has a lot of ideas on the matter.

So today at a mtg, Abby was telling us all about her most recent first date which was basically the bible for all things that you should not do on a first date. We listened, intently as she recounted the story of the entire evening.

1) She made the guy wait outside.
This wouldn't be terrible, except she wasn't ready and when he asked her if she needed more time, she made a masturbation joke which may have gone over his head. This was bad. There were crickets.

2)She made a penis joke in the first 5 minutes. 

Also wouldn't have been terrible if a) it was a good joke and b)it didn't imply that she had a penis...which it did and she doesn't and never has, but the way the joke was delivered may have potentially implied otherwise. Really puts a damper on the sexy heels and lacy shorts ensemble. This also screams "whore" which is not exactly the vibe Abby wanted to put out there on a first date with a boy she liked.

3)She talked about her ex.
This could have also not been horrible if she hadn't gone on ad nauseum about the proposal and the break up and the reasons for the divorce, which lets face it, her own friends don't want to hear anymore, let alone a stranger.

4)She talked about babies.
This needs no explanation as to why its bad.

5)She got hammered.

Hilarious and no throw up involved, but hammered, so you can see why this wouldn't not exactly scream, "you wanna date this girl"

6)She slept with him. 
This is like...rule number ONE not to break if you think you might like someone. If you don't, by all means, have a good time, I'm not judging. At all. But if you think you might really like someone, might be a good idea to pretend to be a lady.

7)She hadn't waxed.

Again, this needs no explanation.

8)She then told her friends and posted about it.
Why quit while you're ahead right?

Of course, my friend Jason, always one with the good advice pointed out that as long as she didn't fart on the date. She should be fine. There is always a silver lining. Our friend Dara was hopeful there would be a call back to this disastrous auction no later than Wednesday.

I told Abby not to hold her breathe and instead enjoy that she had something to write about today and pray that they don't have too many friends in common.

Freelance - The Lady of Leisure Lifestyle

There are days that I feel I have a charmed existence. There are days that I wake up feeling so incredibly blessed that I get to keep work interesting and new jobs, constantly changing the pace and getting to experience new things with cooky, cool people.

There are 2 days when I don't feel that way. The 1st of the month and 15th of the month when my bills are due. These are the two days of the month that I have mini-melt downs and really feel the stress and weight of my decision to be a Lady of Leisure. I wonder if I've worked enough, if I've worked on the right projects, if my budget matches my actuals, if I'll have to eat tuna for the next week. These days I become slightly unbearable and incredibly annoying to be around. Talk about Debbie effin Downer. I mean, I cry at the homeless dog commercial thinking that it'll be me next and that at least those dogs have someone sponsoring them. It spirals pretty quickly into wine which then spirals to drunk dials to my ex's which leads to not awesome conversations the next morning over toast, because I don't want to waste my food on them.

But this month, I'm trying to look at things a little differently. My friend Alicia was so kind to point out to me that the truth is, I do always find a gig. I do always work hard and and find something that makes sense. That really is the key to the freelance lifestyle. If you're always working and really truly trying something will happen because you're not standing still. One opportunity begets another opportunity.

Being a Lady of Leisure is hard work. Not only do you constantly need to be on the look out for the right opportunity, but you also need to evaluate it and ask yourself if that job is really making your grow, helping you on the right path and ultimately making you happy. No longer can you just take a gig because  its gonna make you money. Trust me, I've had to turn down some things that my parents would be appalled I did, but ultimately, I knew that it wouldn't make me happy. And that's the thing we all want right? Just to be happy at least 80% of the time?

But you need a sounding board, someone that you get to vent to that one or two days a year. Let yourself be frustrated and vulnerable and pissed off sometimes when its not going your way, because that's the only way that you're gonna prevent everything from exploding. Living life on your own term and discovering what the hell that even means, take a ton of self discovery and lot of introspective time; not to mention not everyone is always gonna agree with your latest adventure. (What, not everyone thinks starting a bakery is a great idea?) Not everyone is gonna be supportive or your crazy dreams and endeavors, but find the few that are, because you need them.

There are so many amazing ladies out there who are really taking life by cojones do things on their own terms, not letting anyone (man, job, kids, parents) dictate how they are living it. I love these ladies and this week I'm gonna take some time to tell you a little bit about some of my faces. Stay tuned. Keep rockin' the LOL.

The Baby Conspiracy

Every morning, my dog and I go to the dog park. I take her for a little walk up the hill and then back down to the Boneyard where she plays with all of her friends while I take some time to read and answer emails. Its usually pretty peaceful.

Today was no such day. One of my usual dog park cohorts is a lovely lady who we'll call Lindsay. Lindsay is married to nice man, they have two dogs that Sabrina, my dog, can't get enough of. So there are, Lindsay and I chatting about life in Culver City when the subject of spawns come up. She tells me that she and her husband are perfectly happy and have opted not to have children. Ever. I tell her that the thought of NOT having children never crossed my mind until this year actually and that I felt like it wouldn't be life ruining or a must, for me, I didn't think. 

Well, what do you, the nosy lady with the annoying dog that my dog pee's on pretty regularly, just had to opine. She informed us that we were wrong and that eventually it was in our nature, in our DNA that we would have a natural need and desire to pro-create. The fact that we didn't ask for an opinion, didn't seem to matter. She went on to tell us that not only would we feel unfulfilled but that we were psychological pre disposed to self hatred and self doubt if we chose to not fulfill this natural need to breed. 

Lindsay did not take this well. She said that she was now in her late 30's, entering her 40s and that she loved her life with her husband and dogs and felt fulfilled. Our Baby Whisperer told her that she was going to wake up at 45 and wish that she had been pregnant, felt a baby grow inside her and give birth, not because having a baby and pro-creating was the "right" choice for everyone, but because we are biologically engineered to need that. 

Lindsay told her to F off and went home to have sex with her husband in the daylight with no fear of children peaking over, but I was left to ponder what the crazy lady was saying. Now, let me be extremely and incredibly clear - I DO NOT want to have a baby right now. I take my BC religiously even if I, well, might always have a reason to (unfortunately). BUT this thought of somehow reaching an age where having a child was no longer an option and feeling as though I'd not only missed out, but I was less of woman somehow for it, made me angry. 

I mean, its not enough that women have to deal with all sorts of insecurities, now we also have to question  our womanhood if we get to a certain age and don't do the one thing we've been trying to avoid doing all of these years? I am somehow less womanly if I'm not a mother? 

I don't know about that. Actually, I do. I don't agree. The truth is, families take all different forms now and maybe rallying a family of two + dog wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Travel would be easier, dinners would be easier, hell, even driving to the grocery store would be easier. 

I"m not saying I don't want to procreate one day; I might. I'm just saying that I don't think my life will be less full or less beautiful if I don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I made a lot of plans over the past few years and NONE of them worked out. Life laughed at my plan. The marriage, the kids, the job, the life in New York did not work out the way I planned for it, so I improvised. You can only plan so much and learning to be flexible is really whats gonna make you happy. We all adjust right? We learn to appreciate what we have. Plus, as I get older, the list of non-negotiables with a partner grows a little longer, so its nice to know that there's a pretty big one I can compromise on. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but I refuse to believe Lindsay isn't right and that she's somehow not entitled to or not able to be as happy if she never has to buy diapers as she is right now buying dog toys. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Sexy Times Complication

After being out of the "scene" for so long, there is one thing that I've gotten particularly bad at. "Ending" a no longer working "relationship". I "air quote" because most of the time they aren't even really relationships per say. Most of the time, they are friendships that mixed with too much wine and hormones and a scary movie set the tone for sexy times which led to multiple sexy times.

But after a while, especially if you aren't in the right head space, I find that at some point you are just ready to move on. This is where I always get myself into trouble.

I have girlfriends that are VERY guarded with their feelings and extremely skilled at playing the game. They have told me a dirty little secret that I didn't know and that is that sometimes playing is not necessarily a bad thing. It seems to be a very adept self preservation mechanism to avoid getting hurt and also allows a little bit of distance between you and the subject of your sexy times.  I was telling my friend Victoria a while back that I wanted to end things with a boy to which she responded that I should just stop taking his calls and not engage in communication. I was dumbfounded at the advice! How could that be?! It didn't seem kinder, it seemed cruel. After all, I would never want anyone to ignore me from one day to the other.

But then it hit me. She is right. If you are keeping a safe distance, not over divulging your life story all at once and not going from zero to sixty in four dates and a sexy time, then you reserve the right to kindly say goodbye by not saying anything at all. This was a revelation to me. Here I was enduring torturous "break ups" with men I barely knew all the while resenting them for making me go through the agony of hearing their sob story. The truth is, there is no "reason" as much as you want to give them one. Sometimes, you're just not ready, something just doesn't feel right and you reserve the right to politely and quietly move on. I'm now a big fan of this approach.

That is of course until I realize, that this is not in my nature. I was discussing this very thing with my friend Brooke over lunch yesterday. Brooke is beautiful, lights up a room, wonderfully kind and the type of girl any guy would die to be with, but somehow she too admitted to me that sometimes, when we meet someone we like we have a tendency to just go for it, instead of really slowing it all down and not getting overly involved with one person.

So maybe multiples is truly the way to go. Maybe that is the strategy to making sure you don't get overly involved with one person and then have an intense break-up that you never intended to have with your friend in the first place.  Maybe a good safe distance is in order. My friend Matthew pointed out to me once that being overly available is not jut a physical thing, but an emotional one as well and there was something to a slow discovery.

Of course, this is much easier said than done, but I think our hard to get comrades may be on to something here. Be as easy as you want when you don't want anything, but if you really want something, be it a job or a man, perhaps taking a step back and being a little coy wouldn't hurt. After all, that's a lot of other sexy times you won't be having if you end up in a relationship so proceed with caution.