Atleast She Didn't Fart

So I have this um...friend, we'll call her, "Abby" and "Abby" is a terrible first dater. I mean, everything that she can possibly do wrong, she does. I'm not sure if its because she's just nervous or if its some sort of self-sabotage thing or what the deal is, but I'm sure my therapist ...her therapist has a lot of ideas on the matter.


So today at a mtg, Abby was telling us all about her most recent first date which was basically the bible for all things that you should not do on a first date. We listened, intently as she recounted the story of the entire evening.

1) She made the guy wait outside.
This wouldn't be terrible, except she wasn't ready and when he asked her if she needed more time, she made a masturbation joke which may have gone over his head. This was bad. There were crickets.

2)She made a penis joke in the first 5 minutes. 

Also wouldn't have been terrible if a) it was a good joke and b)it didn't imply that she had a penis...which it did and she doesn't and never has, but the way the joke was delivered may have potentially implied otherwise. Really puts a damper on the sexy heels and lacy shorts ensemble. This also screams "whore" which is not exactly the vibe Abby wanted to put out there on a first date with a boy she liked.

3)She talked about her ex.
This could have also not been horrible if she hadn't gone on ad nauseum about the proposal and the break up and the reasons for the divorce, which lets face it, her own friends don't want to hear anymore, let alone a stranger.

4)She talked about babies.
This needs no explanation as to why its bad.



5)She got hammered.

Hilarious and no throw up involved, but hammered, so you can see why this wouldn't not exactly scream, "you wanna date this girl"

6)She slept with him. 
This is like...rule number ONE not to break if you think you might like someone. If you don't, by all means, have a good time, I'm not judging. At all. But if you think you might really like someone, might be a good idea to pretend to be a lady.

7)She hadn't waxed.

Again, this needs no explanation.












8)She then told her friends and posted about it.
Why quit while you're ahead right?

Of course, my friend Jason, always one with the good advice pointed out that as long as she didn't fart on the date. She should be fine. There is always a silver lining. Our friend Dara was hopeful there would be a call back to this disastrous auction no later than Wednesday.

I told Abby not to hold her breathe and instead enjoy that she had something to write about today and pray that they don't have too many friends in common.