Getting Schooled by a Dominatrix

When people ask me what I do for a living, I'm never quite sure how to answer that question. Unemployed writer? Sure, I've sold a short film and written a web series, written a few novels that have never seen the light of day or several screenplays that are perpetually in development. Producer? I've produced television, film, web...that counts right? Director? I've only ever done that once and it was terriblish. Talent Booker? yes that's what the majority of my IMDB says. Casting Director? Well, yes that's the second longest list of credits that I have. So I don't know. In this town your waiter will land a pilot next week that will make him famous and your accountant will win an Academy Award for best screenplay.

So when a sweet, innocent looking girl at the dog park wearing jeans and a little hoodie asked me what I did for a living, I hesitated and said, "I guess I'm a writer. Yes...or maybe I'm, I mean, I'm currently Casting a show..." I trailed off. I tried to change the subject. I asked her what she did for a living and she very confidently said she was a Dominatrix. A professional Dominatrix. She didn't flinch. She didn't wait for my reaction. She said it like she had just said she was a doctor and I was about to find out that in many ways, she kind of is.

So I asked my new dominatrix friend Rose, if we could have coffee. There was way too much I wanted to know; that I needed to know. My curiosity levels were higher than normal. Her name was Rose, for Christ's sake. Rose, like a flower. She was quiet and sweet and not at all someone I would imagine with leather gags and chains. I watched her perfectly manicured nails taking sips of her coffee wondering how on earth she could be so put together and then whip men into submission and ask them to wear her high heels and lingerie. I then realized I had a complete misconception about the sex worker industry and had to be educated at once.

Don't get any ideas. The evening certainly did not involve me learning any lessons or begging for forgiveness you dirty birds, (besides I would never be able to afford her at a whopping $500 per HALF HOUR), but I did get schooled.

For starters, her job is very much like a therapist job. She has an initial consultation. She finds out a lot about her clients. What their fetishes are, their fantasies, their hopes and dreams and even any marital problems they might be having that have led them to her dungeon. She says that while everyone thinks that being a dominatrix is about being in control, its really not because you are ultimately not doing anything that YOU want to do, you are doing what the client wants to do in a controlled fantasy environment where they pretend like they have no control over what is going on. Her goal is ultimately to help her clients work through whatever aggressions or issues they have and ultimately grow out of their need for her and help spread the word about her talents. Her job also pays like a therapist. She gets about $5K-$10K a month without the horrible hours.

I found this all fascinating. Rose was also incredibly adept at separating her lives, but never hiding them from each other. She was not ashamed of what she did. She enjoyed it. Her family knew what she was doing and after a few years had even grown to accept it. She had an incredible amount of confidence that was infectious.  My favorite part was just the honesty and vulnerability with which she described her life. Things were not always easy. She said ultimately she met great men who always assumed she would change, but she never has and never will. She doesn't want to have a traditional life. No one seems to understand this because she seems so grounded. They think that she was abused or has to eventually find a way out, but she doesn't want a way out. She really likes her job.

I'm dumbfounded that are so many people out there so different from myself that I can connect with like this. After a couple hours of chatting with her  about her equipment maintenance, and finding all about her past loves and how dating works for a dominatrix, or how she does her taxes, I found Rose to be a lovely person. She wasn't overly sexual or suggestive. She wasn't preachy or defensive. She was just kind and incredibly open minded. She even scolded me for being so critical of republicans. She reminded me that its that same mentality that makes people so close minded to her and her job. She had a point. I guess. Begrudgingly.

I will never understand what Rose does for a living just like I will never understand why anyone would vote Republican, but meeting people like this certainly makes me want to. Let's face it, we are all crazy. When no one is looking and no one is invading our thoughts we are all - different and kooky and grateful that no one can take a peak into our jumbled delusions. I do think i may have found someone to loan me a halloween costume for next year.