I saw "The Fountain"

One of my buddy's favorite films is a...kind of artsy film, named The Fountain (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0414993/) Starring Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz, aka Mrs. Daniel Craig. In a nutshell it's three parallel stories that span a thousand years and involve the tree of life. Very convoluted story, but they all feed off of each other and the film actually is very beautiful. The future scenes are all hand painted, the early scenes all have great costumes, and they have very interesting sort of upside down transition shots. You just have to see it to really grasp, but what really stuck out to me was the love story between  the married Rachel Weisz and Hugh Jackman characters.

I know I've said it before, but your spouse is the one person you choose to be in your family. Think about that for a moment. The one person. Everyone else you don't have a choice in. Your parents are already selected, your god awful in-laws are inherited, your grandparents might not even know who you are.

So it's not surprising that the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale) list The death of a spouse, divorce and separation, as higher life altering stresses than imprisonment, job loss, or some sort of physical trauma. I mean, It's good to know if I'm ever imprisoned, I've already conquered divorce. Poor Nelson Mandela did them in the opposite order, imprisonment first, then divorce. Rough. The man survived 27 years on Robben Island withstanding horrible heat and hours of manual labor at the lime quarries, but chose to go with the even more stressful event of divorce after only two years of being released.


No wonder I'm a dating disaster. The light bulb is going off in my head right now. I mean, if divorce and separation cause greater stress than mortgage foreclosure or the death of a close family member, it's no wonder we are all so gun-shy about having a real relationship. Now, I know what you're thinking, most girls you know all say they want to be in relationships. But do they really? Listen, no one likes to go to bed alone all the time, but secretly, I think there are a lot of women out there who think they want a boyfriend or husband but self sabotage so that they don't have to face this life altering stress's if it ends. Trust me, I know. I think I want something then someone says something that makes me think they might fall in love with me, I panic do something awful so they'll hate me and move on. (I know you're dying to set me up with your friend now...).

And you can see how this fear of going through one of life's stresses again, would make anyone a little...petrified. Women who have never been married think that they know what divorce is like and compare it to a break up which quite possibly could not be further from what a divorce is. A break up involves tears, giving stuff back, maybe some yelling, quite possibly some "let me get over you" sex. A divorce is telling your family that they've lost a son, telling your brothers they've lost a brother they've know their whole lives, telling the person you loved the most in the world that you are going to crush their entire existence by not having that family you talked about or those kids you've probably already named and imagined. A divorce is changing your entire identity because until that point, you were a mrs. You belonged to someone and they belonged to you.

That's actually my favorite line in Breakfast at Tiffany's, when Paul says to Holly, "But you do belong to somebody, you belong to me". I never got that line, until I got married and I really got it, when I got divorced. 

So I find myself asking, what is the point? I mean, if half of the marriages in this country end in divorce and if the most stressful event of my life will be when that marriage ends either through death or divorce, then why put myself in a situation where that is the inevitable outcome? I'm still struggling with that answer to be honest.

But you know, something has to be said for us in the divorcee club. I mean, we're like, relationship veterans of war. I mean, we've undergone two of the top three life stresses of all time and lived to tell about it. That's pretty powerful stuff. And i know, its so annoying that its all we talk about sometimes and you really just want us to get over it and forget it. We would love that too. You see, as one of life's major stresses, it just has a way of staying with you.

I mentioned to my buddy as we were watching The Fountain, that I didn't think I would ever love someone the way they love each other in the film. He laughed and disagreed, probably rolled his eyes at my overly dramatic assessment of my future feelings. I think he is probably right.

Right now, I'm going to ride high on the fact that I am even dipping my toes in the dating pool. I probably won't jump in just yet, but who knows, the weather is much warmer in LA...and even Nelson Mandela did eventually get remarried on his 80th birthday, so there must be something to this love thing after all.