When I was born in third world Nicaragua, my country was going through some of its darkest days with people standing in line for food and my mom working several jobs just to get us by. I don't remember most of the time, except coloring in my little notebook about horses and princesses and not focusing on the soldiers with guns around. Kids are resilient that way.
But I recently met a girl on one of my casting jobs that told me that she ALWAYS knew she wanted to be on camera. Not an actor or a host or a singer, but just ON CAMERA. I prodded her more, I wanted to know what that meant exactly. She finally caved after a few margaritas and told me that she always knew she wanted to be not just on camera, but famous. She said it was one of those dirty little secrets that no one said out loud, but that secretly they all wanted and she wasn't afraid to say it.
I was incredibly curious about when she KNEW she wanted to be famous and what kind of circumstances she grew up in that kept pushing this "dream". She confessed, that it was because she was so pretty and she felt that it was a tool she should use to her advantage. I was shocked. I had NEVER heard a woman say that before. Not out loud. She repeated herself, "It's because I'm beautiful".Now, I have several thoughts about this. One, we could all use a little dose of her self confidence and two, you should probably, never, ever, ever say that out loud. To anyone. I couldn't help myself and leaned in thought provokingly. I asked her to elaborate on what it was like to grow up being so pretty. She insisted that it was very difficult. Much more so than one would think. She said that for instance, girls always hated her because she was prettier than them, guys just wanted to be with because she was the prettiest not because they actually liked her. She said it only got worse as she got older when she was given jobs she couldn't do over people who were more capable and when all of her bosses just wanted to sleep with her. She found little camaraderie among her colleagues and finally decided to go back of pursing her childhood dream of being famous, which according to her, she never wavered on, never gave up on. She then asked me if I knew anyone who would want to make a sex tape. I think she was kidding about the last part, or at least I hope.
Equally annoying is a man I was recently set up with who told me that he ALWAYS knew he wanted to be a lawyer. He said that real vocation comes from a young age and that he had always known that this is what he would be. His whole life he never wavered, he never hesitated he always knew. He said he didn't trust people who didn't know what their calling was in life. When I confessed that I was still figuring it all out he replied that I was a woman, so surely things would work out my way anyway and I'd just find a nice guy to take care of me. He didn't mean it in a dirt bag way, but that's how it came out.REALLY? Not one of these people who always KNOW had a moment of hesitation? That's the kind of thinking that got me into my first marriage. This kind of certainty exits? I don't buy it. I think you can be attracted to certain things as a child, but what do you know? Even picking your major when you're an 18 year old child is mostly a struck of luck right? You think you like certain things based on the TV shows you watch, your parents, the music you listen to, etc. But are you ever really certain about anything? I don't think so.
The fun part is playing dress up and trying on all the different hats. I am certain, that I will always write and produce. I am certain that I love LA and that I miss my family and that I like a good Flor de Caña rum, but that's about it. I still don't know what I'll be when I grow up and I kind of like it that way. It keeps things exciting and fresh. You don't have to be the same as everyone else. It's all about luck, experience and opportunity right? It's gotta be or I'm gonna call up my new friend and ask her how well she can operate a camera. (I'm kidding, mom. Just so you know. )
When I was in 2nd grade my teacher gave us an assignment to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a doctor and from that day forward any time anyone asked what I wanted to be, I said a doctor. It didn't matter that I had no affinity for science or math). It didn't matter that I had a passion for the arts and resented science for taking up time I could have spent reading or playing piano. I had made a decision in 2nd grade and for some reason, I thought I would disappoint "people" if I didn't stick to it (never mind the fact that no one I knew ever believed for a second that I actually wanted to be a doctor). Cut to me dropping O-Chem my sophomore year because I REALLY didn't want to take the mid-term (despite studying for it nonstop for 2 weeks) and finally admitting that I didn't actually want to be a doctor. This led to depression and then finally, a huge sense of freedom and relief. Not wanting to be a doctor meant I could want to be WHATEVER I WANTED TO BE! There were so many more options and paths that opened up after I let go of the idea of certainty about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
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