Surely that's not the best way to break up with someone, but what IS? Yes, Carrie Bradshaw got broken up with via post-it and the wedding singer got stood up at his wedding which sounds dreadful, but got the message across, didn't it? Sometimes we don't give enough credit to the breaker-upper (dumper). It's difficult to smash someone's hopes an dreams! It's difficult to find the words that say, "you're great, I'm just not feeling it"especially when they expect you to say it to your face. And when did breaking up with someone to their face become the only respectful method?! If I want to break up with you, shouldn't you have the right to hate me in private..say via text? Cowardly? Yes...but also effective! If a guy is going to tell me he's just not that into me anymore after a few dates, I think I would much rather just know the bottom line. No lengthy explanations, no pity, no self-righteousness, no speech about how I'll eventually move on. Just clean and to the point.
I said this to my friend, Sheri, at dance class this morning and she said that I obviously haven't been broken up with in a while, because that is the worst advice ever. She said that not only does someone owe you an explanation for breaking your heart, but that they owe you face time to tell you that they are no longer interested. She says that if you've put in the time and have shared your life with someone the least they owe you is a conversation to let you down as easy as possible.
I'm not advocating an "It's over, don't hate me text", but there has to be some happy medium because no mater how long its been since I had a boyfriend, I still remember what it feels like to be the dumper or the dumpee and it seems to me that if someone wants out, they get to get out...immediately, to prevent further heart ache to you or themselves. Can't a phone call suffice?
As long as its not done in public, in the middle of your date, at your parents house, or as your moving in together or on your wedding day, it's all pretty much a crap shoot anyway right? Whatever you say is going to be twisted so that the other person can move on. They get to have that. Its one of the rights of the dumpee. As the the dumper, you unfortunately just have to deal with that.
As the dumpee you also have the right to cry, binge eat, sing every sad song on the radio and bed hop your way out of the slump...judgement free (for a few months).
As the dumper you have the right to call (not voicemail) and break up, unless you live together or are engaged. You have the right to your feelings. You have the right to keep explanations short. You have the right to break up!
There is never a right way to tell someone that you don't love them. There is never a right way to tell someone that you've been lying to yourself and to them in order to try something on for size in the hopes (and with the best of intentions) that it would work out. There is no right way to tell someone that you're in love with someone else, or worse yet, that you tried your best but just aren't attracted to them, no matter how abstractly beautiful they may be.
The whole break up situation makes me break out in hives. This is the reason I ruin every relationship I'm in. Anticipating the break up is enough of a reason to up the anti and prematurely break up to avoid the intense fall-out. Maybe people should have a "BREAK UP AGREEMENT" where you lay out how you'd like to be broken up with before you get too emotionally involved. That way, both parties are clear with what will be expected in the end. And if there is no end, then great! You don't have to deal with it, but if you do, then you both have a game plan. This is why I'm all about the pre-nup. Maybe its the post divorce brain speaking here, but it would have been incredibly helpful to know the game plan and take that out of the emotional equation. Breaking up is hard enough, but then we have to deal with the method and process too? It's just too much. It's not fair...to anyone! I think I'm gonna build in some form of the BUA in my next relationship.
And nothing to me is more terrifying than the dreaded Facebook status update. Damn you Zuckerberg for adding that little tid bit in there! Now, not only do I eventually have to go public with my new terrifying relationship, but then everyone gets to know when I break up too? Urgh and then wether you were the dumper or the dumpee who changes the relationship status on Facebook and when? What are the rules? I'll never forget when I changed my relationship status from "married" to single. It was like...deciding to get divorced all over again. So public, so embarrassing, so humiliating for everyone involved. I think I'm gonna build into my BUA that no relationship status be changed on FB until there is at least a fetus between us. I think that is going to be part of my new rules.
But then my friend Sheri brought up that she would never trust someone who didn't change their FB status to "in a relationship with Sheri" once they started getting serious. And I guess I can see that too! Facebook is ruining my BUA!
Does that make me a pessimist? I don't think so. I just think that clarity is important. I'm gonna dip my toes in the pool, I want to know where all of the exits are, just incase I fall in.