Surely that's not the best way to break up with someone, but what IS? Yes, Carrie Bradshaw got broken up with via post-it and the wedding singer got stood up at his wedding which sounds dreadful, but got the message across, didn't it? Sometimes we don't give enough credit to the breaker-upper (dumper). It's difficult to smash someone's hopes an dreams! It's difficult to find the words that say, "you're great, I'm just not feeling it"especially when they expect you to say it to your face. And when did breaking up with someone to their face become the only respectful method?! If I want to break up with you, shouldn't you have the right to hate me in private..say via text? Cowardly? Yes...but also effective! If a guy is going to tell me he's just not that into me anymore after a few dates, I think I would much rather just know the bottom line. No lengthy explanations, no pity, no self-righteousness, no speech about how I'll eventually move on. Just clean and to the point.
I said this to my friend, Sheri, at dance class this morning and she said that I obviously haven't been broken up with in a while, because that is the worst advice ever. She said that not only does someone owe you an explanation for breaking your heart, but that they owe you face time to tell you that they are no longer interested. She says that if you've put in the time and have shared your life with someone the least they owe you is a conversation to let you down as easy as possible.
I'm not advocating an "It's over, don't hate me text", but there has to be some happy medium because no mater how long its been since I had a boyfriend, I still remember what it feels like to be the dumper or the dumpee and it seems to me that if someone wants out, they get to get out...immediately, to prevent further heart ache to you or themselves. Can't a phone call suffice?
As long as its not done in public, in the middle of your date, at your parents house, or as your moving in together or on your wedding day, it's all pretty much a crap shoot anyway right? Whatever you say is going to be twisted so that the other person can move on. They get to have that. Its one of the rights of the dumpee. As the the dumper, you unfortunately just have to deal with that.
As the dumpee you also have the right to cry, binge eat, sing every sad song on the radio and bed hop your way out of the slump...judgement free (for a few months).
As the dumper you have the right to call (not voicemail) and break up, unless you live together or are engaged. You have the right to your feelings. You have the right to keep explanations short. You have the right to break up!
There is never a right way to tell someone that you don't love them. There is never a right way to tell someone that you've been lying to yourself and to them in order to try something on for size in the hopes (and with the best of intentions) that it would work out. There is no right way to tell someone that you're in love with someone else, or worse yet, that you tried your best but just aren't attracted to them, no matter how abstractly beautiful they may be.
The whole break up situation makes me break out in hives. This is the reason I ruin every relationship I'm in. Anticipating the break up is enough of a reason to up the anti and prematurely break up to avoid the intense fall-out. Maybe people should have a "BREAK UP AGREEMENT" where you lay out how you'd like to be broken up with before you get too emotionally involved. That way, both parties are clear with what will be expected in the end. And if there is no end, then great! You don't have to deal with it, but if you do, then you both have a game plan. This is why I'm all about the pre-nup. Maybe its the post divorce brain speaking here, but it would have been incredibly helpful to know the game plan and take that out of the emotional equation. Breaking up is hard enough, but then we have to deal with the method and process too? It's just too much. It's not fair...to anyone! I think I'm gonna build in some form of the BUA in my next relationship. 
And nothing to me is more terrifying than the dreaded Facebook status update. Damn you Zuckerberg for adding that little tid bit in there! Now, not only do I eventually have to go public with my new terrifying relationship, but then everyone gets to know when I break up too? Urgh and then wether you were the dumper or the dumpee who changes the relationship status on Facebook and when? What are the rules? I'll never forget when I changed my relationship status from "married" to single. It was like...deciding to get divorced all over again. So public, so embarrassing, so humiliating for everyone involved. I think I'm gonna build into my BUA that no relationship status be changed on FB until there is at least a fetus between us. I think that is going to be part of my new rules.
But then my friend Sheri brought up that she would never trust someone who didn't change their FB status to "in a relationship with Sheri" once they started getting serious. And I guess I can see that too! Facebook is ruining my BUA!
Does that make me a pessimist? I don't think so. I just think that clarity is important. I'm gonna dip my toes in the pool, I want to know where all of the exits are, just incase I fall in.
I have to say, I agree. I feel that the dumper should give the dumpee the opportunity to ask questions as needed, but bottom line, they should be honest. Twice in the last year, I've had guys that I was really into dump me with (in hindsight) LAME-ASS reasons. The first was "Well, my lease is up in two months, and I might be moving, so we should end this now"...and yet I still see him around town from time to time, almost a year later. The other gave this "it's not you, it's me/I need time to get back on my feet [in his defense, he had recently relocated--somewhat unexpectedly--to Virginia after the end of a four year relationship] and get myself together/I would like for us to date again in the future but in the meantime, let's continue to grow the friendship" spiel. And then he dropped off the face of the planet.
ReplyDeleteI get that plans can change, and I get that not every relationship is going to work out, and I accept that. But be a man about it and be honest. You don't have to be a jerk, but don't give false hope, or say things like "let's still be friends" if you really have no intention of it. I can handle a breakup or getting dumped. I can't handle being lied to. (Wow...this was much more than I'd intended to write!)
The only thing I like about break ups is the break up diet (weight loss) and the rebound sex. I just realized the rebound sex is probably what causes the weight loss.
ReplyDeleteI think I have to agree on "Keep It Simple Stupid" mentality. Like you said, breaking up is NEVER EASY and boy does it suck soooooo bad. (Just went through a break-up myself). It's even harder to have to dump someone you love because they leave you with no other choice due to some bad habit they have and can't get rid of.
ReplyDeleteIf it has to be done via text, then do so! If it has to be done over the phone or in person, then do so as you wish, as you feel you can achieve it. Sometimes it's just best to not even say anything at all by not picking up the phone to the one you're dumping and simply disappear, perhaps move to another country! What ever the dumper has to do to make it as painless as possible because the nagging grief slows people down and at some point you just gotta move on.
However, I have to say that if you do a BUA, it comes off as a bit jaded and it is setting yourself up for failure of the relationship. I think that if I was going into a new relationship, I like to come into it with a fresh mind and heart. It doesn't mean this new guy/girl will "hurt" you the same way the last one did. The whole fun about new relationships is being a bit naive and have that moment of "love" - as corny as it sounds. Maybe the love will last only one day, maybe a week, 3 months, or maybe forever! But why go into it thinking that it just might end soon?
I do agree with pre-nups, and you might think it's the same... but it's not because in a marriage, assets and physical stuff become shared, but with a BUA the fight is about love not stuff. Just my opinion. I believe in love, and I believe we can have different types of love with different people, and coming into a relationship with some vulnerability feels good in a way. Don't you think?